It has been a while huh? Sorry about that. It has been a wild over here. Everything has changed because I went back to work! What?! I know. Trust me, I was the most surprised out of anyone. It was like all of the sudden, Stephen and I knew what we had to do. We were okay but it wasn’t going to last unless I got a job. I remember sitting on the couch talking and then I just started sobbing, like full out melt down. Ugly cry and all. But after that was over, in true “Ashley fashion”, I knew we had to find a solution. Thankfully, Jesus met our need so quickly and instantly. To the day, that we needed money in our account, I got my first paycheck!So there have been some obvious positives for us with me going back to work, but I’m not going to lie and say that “this has been so fun” and “I’ve really enjoyed the journey the Lord is taking me on”. I haven’t. It has been tough for me. And it isn’t the job. It is that I was grieving what felt like a very real loss for me.
I had a dream of staying at home and doing things from home. I felt like when I went back to work this dream was not only gone but taken away. I went to a retreat in November and I was still pretty angry. Not like a little bit upset, I was mad. It had been 3 months at this point and I still didn’t understand what happened. I knew the Lord was good. I knew He was a good daddy, but I didn’t feel like my circumstances reflected His character. In the afternoon on the second day of the retreat, I felt the Lord ask me to look at the trees. They were like sticks in the ground. No leaves. Just bare. He asked me if the tree was dead and I said no, of course. God showed me that even though the tree looked dead, it was fully alive. It was in the winter. The tree was just preparing for the fruit. My dreams were in the winter and God was inviting me to cultivate and prepare. In that moment, things shifted in my heart. It wasn’t an instant fix but I felt my heart soften.
Since then, I have been learning my new normal and trying to figure out how this blog and my desire to write fits into our life. It has been a little over 6 months and I’m so happy to be here again. I don’t have this all(or much) figured out yet, except I know I miss writing. I miss connecting with people through this platform, and I know God is going to gracefully teach me how to do this.
One thing I have always loved about my blog is that it is never because I “have to”. It is something I love to do because of the joy others have told me it has brought them, or that they learned something new, or (and I think this is my favorite) that my writing has inspired them. It isn’t my writing. It is God using my writing to do things only He can and THAT makes me excited. He has taught me so much and torn down so many walls for me through this blog.
SO… I say all of this to say HI! I’ve missed you and I would be honored if you continue to journey along with me.
P.S. Thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you kept asking. Who kept cheering me on and motivating me to get back to this place. Thank you for not giving up on me and my dreams. Your love and support is a driving force for me, especially when I get scared to click “publish”.